Laura Nnamdi: The Weight I Carry as an Advocate

Dear Remi,

Now Playing, Fix You by Coldplay.

I aftermath up each greeting asking myself, Laura, what caller fearfulness volition the satellite unveil today?

Is it femicide, committed by a antheral with an inflated, wounded ego who cannot judge rejection? Or is it the tightening of Western migration policies that stifles the dreams of planetary students who transverse oceans with hopes successful their pockets?

After 27 years of living, you would deliberation I’d beryllium utilized to it. The satellite has been cruel for longer than I’ve been alive. Shouldn’t Christ’s peace, which I americium assured of, beryllium capable to halt these cruelities oregon inactive the racing of my bosom erstwhile the quality comes on? Shouldn’t my tone beryllium dependable by now, utilized to the rhythm of grief?

But I americium not utilized to it. I uncertainty I ever volition be.

You see, I bash this happening called advocacy. Some advocates similar to region themselves from activism, arsenic though the connection itself has go a root of shame. Social media has painted the “activist” arsenic a nuisance: a barking dog, ever loud, ever demanding, but yet harmless and speedy to autumn soundless and wag their tails if you flip them a juicy bone.

But advocates and activists are nary different. We often privation the aforesaid things, combat for the aforesaid reforms, and imagination of the aforesaid amended world. And yes, we tin each beryllium compromised, too. After all, we are human.

There are mornings I wonder: why don’t I conscionable caput my business? Why don’t I absorption connected carving retired my ain small country of joy, detached from the chaos? Wouldn’t beingness beryllium lighter if I chose to look away?

Perhaps. But detachment is not a spot I possess. I envy those who tin scroll past different calamity and consciousness nothing. I ideate the calm of staring astatine the headlines with numbness successful my bosom and lifelessness successful my eyes. To beryllium unshaken, to stay untouched; that would beryllium a benignant of power.

I don’t person that luxury. To enactment sane, I became an advocate. Advocacy is not simply my work; it is my endurance mechanism. It is the mode I process the flood of emotions that travel with watching radical endure immoderate manus beingness decides to woody them.

Yet, this endurance comes astatine a cost. Some days it feels similar some a curse and a blessing. To beryllium truthful selfless that you determination yourself retired for humanity without anticipation of return, and astatine the aforesaid time, to beryllium truthful fragile that the value of each injustice threatens to drown you. But Remi, if I springiness it up, who would I become?

I americium terrified of the mentation of myself that would look away, that would surrender to apathy. To beryllium live and yet indifferent feels to maine similar a worse benignant of death. Perhaps that is the paradox: Advocacy some unsettles maine and keeps maine alive.

So present I am, restless, weary, hopeful, broken, mended, each astatine once. A assemblage that trembles astatine the value of injustice, and yet a tone that refuses to halt fighting. Remi, to enactment sane, I chose the precise happening that makes maine restless. And successful that hostility betwixt curse and blessing, despair and hope, soundlessness and voice, I live.

It is my archetypal day arsenic an advocate, Remi. I person learned truthful much, and yet I americium inactive unsure of truthful galore things. The satellite is heavy, the enactment is endless, but my bosom is inactive willing.

Will you locomotion with me, Remi?

***

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